(Day 26) Why You Shouldn’t Date Guys with One Syllable Names (Social Satire)

“Hi, I’m Joe!”

“You can call me Mike.”

“It’s Ben.”

If his name is one syllable, don’t say you haven’t been warned. When he still goes by his middle or high school nickname maybe he just hasn’t shaken it yet, but if he shortens his name then he cannot be serious.

Sure, you have your Luke’s and George’s, and those guys are probably great, but if his name is Steven and he tells you to call him Steve, then think of all the other things he’s hanging onto from childhood…

He could still want to be a professional baseball player. Smile and nod at his dreams because you know you still think about being an Olympic gymnast even though you gave up lessons in the ninth grade. But at least you know you’ll never be Gabby Douglas.

Think of all the other short cuts he takes in life. He probably slides in his reports at JP Morgan just under the deadline. Maybe he even sends you the cheapest drink at the bar and then winks at you. Thanks, Nick, that vodka shot really swept me off my feet.

Rob is the kind of guy who calls you “babe” because “Hannah” is too long for him to say, or maybe it’s too long for him to remember.

Then you think, there’s probably a Jim out there who is great and underappreciated and has a Corgi named Milo, but those kinds of Jim’s are either too busy and important or taken by your freshman suitemate in undergrad who saw his potential within the first five minutes of move-in, and they’ve been happy ever since.

Jake definitely nicknamed himself, and if he nicknamed himself, what else could he have nicknamed? Maybe his speedboat, probably his car, and definitely his penis.

But you should go on that date with Ryan from Tinder because even though the backwards cap is hiding a bald spot and the salmon colored shorts and flip flops tell you that he hasn’t progressed past his fraternity years, you both like Buddy the Elf on Facebook and had a deep discussion about Will Ferrell’s career.

But when he tells you to call him “Ry,” run.

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