How to Get Ready for a Date (satire)

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*disclaimer: not all girls get ready like this, but you’d be kidding yourself if you said you didn’t do it at least once in your life*

In two hours, you’ll have one hour left before you have to meet him at that bar or that coffee shop down the street. So you should leave yourself an hour for hair and makeup, an hour to decide on an outfit, half an hour to worry, and thirty extra minutes in case something dire happens.

You start with your hair. Even though it looks fine as it is naturally, you know that you’re going to wash it anyway, blow dry it until it’s frizzy, straighten it until it’s flat, and then put in hairspray to add volume.

Put on some deodorant because you’re already sweating. Put your head in the freezer because it’s so hot in your bathroom from the straightening iron.

Think about your outfit choice. Your legs look good in skirts, but then again you’ll want to wear pants in case he asks to take a walk with you. Heels are always a poor choice. Always. But, you know that you know you’re going to try to wear them anyways.

Move on to the makeup. You’ll want to go for the natural look, and that’s going to take a while. Cover up your spots, your redness, your freckles, your scar. Cover everything. Put on mascara. Because you took away all the color in your face, you’ll want to add it back in with blush. Look at yourself in the mirror. Decide that you look scary. Take it all off. Call your sister to do it for you.

Your sister combs some dark crap in your eyebrows and says,

“wow, he must be really special.”

“Who?” you respond, then quickly, “oh, my date. Yeah, sure.”

Start to realize that this grooming ritual is no longer about him. It’s about you looking sexy, competing with yourself to look hotter than your normal self.

When your sister leaves the bathroom, call her back in and ask her opinion on your outfit. You ask her five times if the pants make you look fat. She looks at her nail beds and obliges with, “nope.” She’s no help at all.

Observe your butt in the mirror. Wish that it was rounder but not big, not fat but not flat.

Ask your sister to borrow that blue shirt that doesn’t show cleavage but makes her boobs look good. She nods and her eyes widen, “the boobie shirt” and retrieves it from her closet. She tells you not to sweat in it. Snap! Time to put on more deodorant.

Last step: brush your teeth. Because before you drink that coffee or down the cosmopolitan, you’re going to want to have fresh breath!

Done.

You have a good hour and half left over. This is an excellent amount of time to start pacing and worrying. Your phone buzzes with a text: “see u soon :)”

Maybe you should start walking there. It is ten minutes walking, but what if there’s foot traffic. If you’re early you can look in a store. Walk by a mirror on your way out. Notice that you don’t look quite like yourself.

Go back into the bathroom. Wipe off the lipstick and some of the foundation. Switch your heels for flats. There. Perfect. Take a deep breath and walk out the door,

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