If Los Angeles Were a Woman

If LA were a woman, she would be incredibly charming. Universally, those who saw her would deem her attractive. No one would disagree that she was multi-faceted. She’s the kind of woman who tosses her head back in laughter so that her collarbones could reflect the stale, four o’clock sunlight.

She doesn’t like to drive, but when she does, she cuts you off without warning. She never uses a turn signal and she never apologizes. She prefers to take a car or an uber and will instruct the driver on which freeways to take. She doesn’t concern herself with personal punctuality but will sigh with distaste if you show up late to brunch.


She works on and off as a model and an actress. She made wise investments with her father when she was younger. She lives in a two bedroom apartment with two roomates. Her parents pay half of the rent, just until she makes it big.


She’s the kind of woman, who, when she was a girl, she started an Equestrian Club at her high school but was also a part of the flute choir and volunteered as a life guard in the summers.


As a result of her life guarding, she holds a high respect for people with an even tan. She never hesitates to judge you on your clothing. To her, labels indicate class. She will know if you were shopping on Rodeo or at The Grove, and from this she will derive your socioeconomic standing.


She speaks both English and Spanish. She orders her meals in French at the club, and can get by with looking like she knows Italian because it sounds like wonky Español.



She’s the type of woman who likes to eat with company because she knows that if she eats alone, she will end up devouring dry chicken and peas on Corningware over her kitchen sink. She has no reason to eat alone because she has so many friends, and if she wanted more she could go to a bar or a club or an app.


At the end of the night, when she takes off her heels, she still walks on the balls of her feet out of habit. When she gets into bed she watches Conan or Kimmel, both of which she has recorded. She laughs at the appropriate moments and remembers what they told her about the news that day so that tomorrow morning she can get a giggle out of the barista at Starbucks.



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