The preparation for this hearty task begins hours before your actual flight. First, forget to brush your teeth. This will surely repulse the person next to you when you repeatedly try to make friendly small talk. Now is also a good time to drink coffee, monster breath.
Size up your carry on bag? Is it bulging with stuff that you don’t need? No? Well take care of that. Start by balling up tissues and putting them in plastic baggies with Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, and Bayer. Yes, you will need several types of aspirin. Then, bring two sweaters and a baseball cap. You never know what’s going to happen on your two hour flight. It could be a whirlwind of Tundra, desert, shade, or blistering sunshine, rather than a climate controlled aircraft with little fans that you can control with your fingers.
When you go to check your bag, pretend to be confused by the helter skelter of people who do not know how to queue. Just stand between the two groups of people that look like lines and tell the people behind you “This is the line! No cuts!”
When you get to the TSA and the body scanners, forget to take your shoes off. Also, forget to remove your watch. Then, hold up everyone in the line as you get wanded and say “Hey! That tickles!” when some stranger pats you down. Start telling the person feeling you up about how their touch is so comforting and how you might want to have children some day. See how they react.
When you get to the gate and the agent calls every different membership and class under the sun, get in every line. Ask “am I first class? Am I platinum? Am I ruby rewards? No?” No, you aren’t because you paid for coach! But they don’t know that you know that.
Once you actually board the plane, try your dragon breath out on the person next to you. When they’re sleeping, poke them with your sharpest nail and ask to use the restroom. Make everyone get up.
When the drink cart rolls past, ask the stewardess for a Canada Dry. Tell that person next to you that you feel nauseated. Watch their eyelashes flutter and mouth twits into a knot as they take in your horrifying halitosis. After a while, watch them fall asleep again. Isn’t sleep fascinating?!
Turn to the person on your other side who is watching Madmen. Watch Madmen with them but hear no sound. When they catch you, pretend like you were reading Sky Mall.
When the stewardess comes by again to pick up trash, realize that you don’t like ginger ale and then try to toss the full cup into the trash bag during a turbulent moment. The contents splash onto the lap of the sleeping person. As they wake up in an alarmed fashion, exclaim, “It’s drippy! Sorry!” Then while you have the person’s attention, tell them how poorly you slept last night and about your mother’s colonoscopy last Monday.
Finally, when the pilot turns off the “fasten seatbelt” sign, shoot up out of your chair like a Mentos on a Pepsi bottle. Insist on getting all of your stuff from the overhead bins and being first to wait to exit. Make sure to stick your butt in everyone’s faces. People love that!